I Am Living On a Cheese Board

Wherever you are in your journey is the right place to be. Wherever you are in your journey is the right place to be. Some combination of these words have spilled out of me every time someone close to me feels lost or hopeless. These are words I staunchly believe in.  Wherever you are in your journey is the right place to be. But hearing, or rather reading, these words in an email from Dixie washes an immense wave of comfort over my whole body. I can feel myself smiling. Wherever you are in your journey is the right place to be.

Once upon a time, I thought life was linear. That from wherever I was I would go up and up and up and up – maybe not in the eyes of others – certainly not monetarily and definitely not in fame. I thought that wherever I was I would continue to strive for social change because social action has always kept me afloat. It has always been a rock for me to hold onto. Suddenly I’m finding myself in ten thousand new environments and I am starting to sink.

On September 4th I arrived in Asheville North Carolina after a long and lonely 15 hour drive. Four days later I had a job working for a film production company, editing all their material, working shoots, social media, creating shot lists. I was making more than minimum wage AND working mostly from home! Doing what I thought I wanted to do for the rest of my life, no degree needed. I loved my bosses, the city, my newfound freedom.  But something wasn’t right. I found a question always ringing in my ears: Is this right for me? Two weeks in, I decided to move back to the Northeast. I would WWOOF in western Massachusetts until I leave for France in the spring. I came home to Vermont and I felt my bones relax against the yellowy chill of October in New England. I waited and waited patiently for a month until settling in to a farm in Cummington, MA. That was yesterday. Today is Tuesday, October 31st and I still have no solid ground. The question that buzzed my head in Asheville is now an all consuming roar in my ears. Where am I? What am I doing? Who am I? Is this life sustainable? Who will I be after all of this? Am I wasting my time? I am missing the steady hum drum of high school. I am missing the essays and essays and essays and readings and worksheets and essays. I thought I thrived without structure. I thought I was an “”Independent Learner””. I thought I was doing “””Real World Work”””.  I am floating aimlessly, waiting for the next thing. I am living on a cheese board. Sampling and sipping. Nothing really tastes right but I understand it’s reverence.

I realize I haven’t actually answered the prompt, rather, I’ve just vented on an innocent reader. I am trying to find opportunities for social action. I know they exist everywhere, but they are pretty well camouflaged. I’m living in the Northampton area, a city bored by the passé concept of binary gender. They have no problem with the concepts I’ve been advocating for the past two years. So, what else? I’m starting to become interested in the interaction of food and community; how small local farms fit into the mosaic of the greater communities they’re a part of.  But it’s difficult to find somewhere to start. I no longer have a whole team of people helping light my rocket fuel.

So where does that leave me? I’m not unhappy, I’m just uncomfortable. If I’m uncomfortable, I’m learning, and if I’m learning, I’m happy. Life is full of mucky corners that swallow your boots and make you work super extra hard to do something as easy as walking. I am in a mucky corner, but I’ve got good stomping boots and I love the mud.

Eva Rocheleau

One Response to “I Am Living On a Cheese Board

  • Ceci Lewis
    4 years ago

    Eva!!! So good to hear from you. I agree with Dixie; you are right where you are supposed to be, doing what you are supposed to be doing. Lucky us that part of what you are doing is sharing your experiences with us!
    Run, jump, and spread that mud around. We could all use a dose of it.

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